Ahh Living in my head.

The first thing you need to know about this expression is it works even better when you sing it to the tune of Aerosmith “I’m living on the edge”. Have you got it? Ok, one, two three… “I’m living in my head.” There that felt good didn’t it! Do you want to do it again? One more time? No… oh, ok then …I won’t either…oh hang on “I’m living in my head.” Ahhh, yes I feel better now – ok!

I made this picture halfway through 2020. We were in some form of lock down or other and that weird time of “who is my bubble again?”,” I don’t know, Jay where do we stand on this activity at the moment?” It seemed to be a time of lots of rules and yet a lot of unknown’s too in how to deal with things. There was worry in the now and worry in the future and hearing people longing for the “normal” that you didn’t know if you were 100% missing as much as you felt you should be. Phew – right! So I caught myself ruminating a lot, escaping a lot, venting a lot and actually having some fun too…all in my head.

Forward to now.

The effect of this restricted living is starting to show itself in all kinds of ways. Different for everyone, but for me I think I have become a certified hermit. I am loving being at home this summer. By being at home I honestly mean “in my house”. It has been too hot to go out, the blinds have been pulled for 2 months and yesterday my husband caught me poking my head out of our front door – looking left, looking right and pulling my head right back in with a “I don’t think so.” He laughed, I laughed, but it is pretty true.

Now comes the next bit. I am having a really good time here and I don’t even know what that means. I have moved from my head a bit – it is like my party in my head, has spread to my fingers and my head has linked to my body. It is an all over experience and it feels so rich here – in my little bubble, in my little world, that I’m not sure when I will be ready to leave.

I have become insular for sure; I have removed myself from all things it feels. I have been so immersed in the world I am creating here with my head, my fingers, my body that I have separated myself from all other things. Writing this I can see why this would happen. The world feels so crazy and out of control right now – I am lucky to have this place to retreat in and this body /mind to retreat to, but how sustainable is this?

Ha ha my inner voice just said “oh yeah it’s sustainable” …”stay here.” I guess the venting and the fear and the anxiety have somehow lessened in me – as the richness of the work I am doing and focus of my mind on the things I love has been allowed to grow. The focus the creativity coaching and the making of my pictures has given me, is such a kind place to be and to be honest I really needed this kind place.

Maybe that is what is happening at the moment. I did need this place of calm for myself because I haven’t had it in sooo long in my life. Before the world caught up to the chaos I have felt inner chaos for too many years to count. In a weird way I have found my calm, my kind, my inner home, just at the point that the world feels it can’t cope with itself.

Maybe there is a stage after this for us both. Maybe once I have “hung” in my head just a little longer and learned to be kind and gentler – I can take it out in the world more comfortably. Maybe this isn’t the big problem I was worried it was – maybe it is retreat – but in a healing / expensive spa type way. Maybe I will be ready to step out again, instead of popping out my head, maybe I’m doing ok really all things considered.

Whatever we are all doing right now to cope with “it all” is ok.

That’s really the only answer we can give …and maybe, just maybe that’s ok too.

Hoping you are feeling ok…wishing you a little bit of an inner world to help with the outer.