This picture was inspired

by the eye rolling of my children

when a great song comes on the radio.

I feel good,

I sing out the lyrics,

I get a little dance going.

I feel great.

The kids stare at me,

shake their heads.

“Stop it Mum.”

Purely mortified.

“I thought I was going to be a cool mum.”

I once mused.

“Why would you have thought that?”

son responded.

Honestly, I have no idea.

I don’t know how I got like this somedays.

Changes in my body

I look with a scientific fascination.

What is this now – my brain questions –

noticing another alien change in my flesh.

Not just outward changes either.

My brain, my thoughts

so “fuddy, duddy.”

When did this happen too?

That music is too loud.

What is that person wearing?

I don’t think that’s a good idea.

I can’t do that.

Once I said to my husband.

“you know how it is with me driving.”

No – I don’t know, how is it Caroline?

What does that even mean?

What it means is,

I have been living narrowly.

It means I am scared about change, about doing different.

It means I am too stuck in my ways,

arguing with the natural changes of the world.

It means I am getting old.

Older in my spirit,

But forgetting wiser.

How is this linked to the kid’s mortification at my dancing, my singing?

What child isn’t embarrassed by their mum?

I think it’s that I do try.

I try to do a wiggle in life.

But life has got harder somewhere.

Responsibilities have got heavier.

Things more complicated.

SO when I try to give a little, life boogey,

it gets thwarted quickly.

Inside my head.

And out in the world.

The good thing with this.

Is that it wasn’t sitting right.

I was getting fuddy, duddy,

but I wasn’t happy with it.

This means there is hope.

I had too much caring

what people thought.

Taking responsibilities on,

as meaning I had to be a certain way.

That certain way isn’t me.

So I am building myself back up again.

My children are getting older, which helps.

I am caring less about what people think…

Although it isn’t even other people,

it is me judging me.

People are usually really supportive.

It is the us – who are getting in our way.

We just need to figure out what we want and do it.

People like that.

People are inspired by that.

So wiggle I will.

Sing my heart out,

when Pulp comes on the radio.

Sorry kids – I’ll still be there for you –

Just give me these 10 minutes!

Hope you enjoy your bottom boogey this month.

Welcome to my 2020 calendar - The happy introvert.

I am so excited that we get to do this together again this year, some of you have been with me for four years now (can you believe it?).

I want to start this by telling you a little about the process of bringing these calendars together. When the print date loomed near this year - I couldn’t see how I was ever going to be ready - it really didn’t look like it was going to be possible.

I usually work on the pictures specific for the calendar throughout the year. I store the pictures along the way and collate / final edit around October. All was going great until I hit the summer holidays (they are 9 weeks long here in Canada - I mention that a lot in social media!!) and then productivity went down the toilet. I can’t even fully reason why - except to say that balancing two children who decided they disliked each other immensely overnight - along with the other juggles of life - left me with little time and when time did arrive, very little mojo.

On 31st August 2019 news came of my mum’s passing. She had been in a care home with advanced dementia for around 4 years. In truth I had probably lost her as “mum” a couple of years before. The cloak of her illness subtly drew her away from much awareness of what was going on with that crazy daughter of her’s - who lived far away in “what’s it called.”

A trip home immediately to help support my sister and to say goodbye to mum for the month of September - left me coming home feeling pretty detached from things. Two weeks after my return we foolishly viewed a house - fell in love with it and entered full swing into the joys of listing, selling and buying. I had told my daughter that Daddy and I were going to be really bad parents for a couple of days as we got our house ready for showing - a couple of weeks ago my daughter commented “you said you would be bad parents for a couple of days but it’s been nearly six weeks.” ha ha such is the running around for the process.

SO readers I guess I am really writing this intro to you at a time of looking for direction and guidance rather than feeling the narrator of knowing. I am in that tricky place of transition and between us - I haven’t been handling it the best. The new situations that are coming - coupled with the loss of mum have put me steps back. I am anxious ridden, panic attacking, snappy, feasting and morose.

Quite the bundle of fun to hang with hey!

With all of the above taking me away from my calendar work though - miracles of miracles happened. Literally the day after I announced “there will not be a calendar this year” to my creative group - within 2 days after she was born.

And here she is.

And I love her.

I was able to bring this project together from a place of “couldn’t possibly” to “by jove I think I’ve got it.”

And isn’t that really the beauty of this darn ol’ creative process - that I harp on and harp back to over and over.

Doesn’t this invisible, magical energy swoop us up and create something tangible from our individual brain mushes.

Doesn’t this, whatever that is, create it’s own hope and joy and feeling of bigger than us, watching us, looking out for us.

And isn’t that really why I turn up to my cutting table, my sewing machine, my paints every time - willing some magic to show up - pleeeaaaasssse. And in between those days of cocked up pictures, tangled machine threads and pin pricked “oh there it is” toe, days - just sometimes creativity finally takes pity on me, waves her magic brush and grants me some sense and place in my messy trys.

And so…

If you are still with me…

tomorrow we begin our new calendar.

Our fresh new page.

Each month i will join you and check in to see how you are, just like usual.

I will take each month as it is though. I don’t have any preconceptions this year or set goals of what we will discuss this time round. It is a different way of doing this - but man do I actually feel some tingles of excitement about that.

Thank you as always for joining me on this ride.

Thank you for any help you can share as I negotiate new spaces - new roles.

Until January we say…

Oh man - that’s tomorrow!